1. “If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, I hope it lands on a philosophy professor.” Stephen Colbert
2. Descartes walks into a pub. The bartender asks, “Will you have a beer?” Descartes answers, “I think not,” and he evaporates.
3. How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
4. How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to observe how the lightbulb symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of Cosmic Nothingness.
5. First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.